how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
