There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
