I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
