I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
