Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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