If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
