He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
