sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I hate all girls vehemently.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
