I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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