Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
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I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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