I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
