I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
