I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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