Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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