So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
