she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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