Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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