$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
