If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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