so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
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The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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