just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
