these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
