I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My feet surprised me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
