I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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