Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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