I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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