You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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