Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
