Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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