I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
