why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
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my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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