ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
