Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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