Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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