Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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