I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
