i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
