On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My pussy is not your playground.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
