Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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