Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize