Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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