She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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