I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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