i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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