I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
