I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
