Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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