I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
