Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
No subtext here. People are naked.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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