Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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