thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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