I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
