You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
