The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
