Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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