I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
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The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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